Driven Mad Sunday, May 30, 2021
Today, is my first day at this house. Several days ago I got some bad news from the doctors.
They want my right arm. It is cancer. They cannot have it. Yeah, I know they said "It" will spread to the rest of my body.
I just cannot let them take my whole right arm. That means I have to prepare for the immedicable.
My plan is to go through illness in this house. I got in touch with some people and they have sent me some meds with instructions. One has to be taken once a day.
The bottle is strange. The cap is gold and the body is black.
Well, I wrote it all down. For now, I am very tired and need some sleep.
I have made it up to the bedroom. Hum, white walls and white sheets, not much creativity here.
How did I get so exhausted. I think I can get to bed, sit at teh edge, while I get my clothe off and get ready for bed.
It is strange to sit here, slumped over, exhausted, and taking my clothe off. It took awhile, but I am finally in bed.
Have to be on my left side. The pain is to extreme if I put pressure on the right shoulder.
The anxiety won't let me rest. My mind is tied up. I want to think, but I do not want to think.
Why I am thinking about being in the room with the doctors. There were three of them in lab coats. One was a women.
Make no sense to be thinking about them when I trying to fall asleep. Is that it? Is that why I reacted the way I did that day?
I remember the arrogance and indignation. They sounded as if I did not have a choice.
I did bother me. It sounded imposing.
Just as imposing as the world I just left. I can't believe people actually think I have to have dark skinned friends, watch dark skinned Media, support Homosexuality, and all other forms of evil.
Arrogant indignation bothered me then. It bothers me now. I am lucky that there are few people in my life. I never had to encounter any Ugly people asking me why I prefer to be separate but equal.
I have never cared about how people live their lives. The modern world offers a lot.
It bothers me that people think I exist to finance their sin life. No person can be living the Sex and Drug life and stay healthy. Eventually, the mind and body will break down.
Then, they go running to government services. Many try have their "Sin" while living off the tax payers.
I know societies do not last when government panders to the Freaks and disregard the hard working productive members of society. Those of us who have built a life are very concerned that governments will take every thing we earned with our honest labor.
It is to late. I need to rest, not have such intense thoughts. I do not see the large TVs. I thought I ordered large screen TVs and Internet.
It was hard to finally get some rest. I was in bed trying not to feel all those ugly emotions. Life has not been great up to this point. Now, with the Cancer, it will end even worse.
I can't focus. However, I am sure this is my second day here. Yes, I can here yesterday. This is the second day.
I am lost in a fog. I cannot think clearly. It is dark still. The sun has not come up yet.
This house has some low light. Everything looks gray.
Well let me see. I have my three meals planned out. Of course with the illness Diabetes management doesn't mean much anymore.
I'll stick to the health plan. Tomorrow, I will exercise. Today, is about eating well and resting.
I have taken the medication as prescribed. The arm does not hurt. It just feels numb.
Sort of like me. A while back I got some reduction in emotional pain by excepting that I was hurting because I have had so many disappointments in life.
It explained why I was afraid of life and always trying to be in control. At that time I decided to just relax. What is going to happen is going to happen. Stressing our will not fix anything or stop anything bad from happening.
Now
